Because Time Goes Too Fast (A tribute to my kiddos)

                

A moment turned to memory
a hideaway for you and me
where darkness can't come in to thieve
is where my heart holds you to keep.

For time slips in to bend and break,
the seconds fractured for the take
scattered in constant motion and haste
some too swift to seize or chase.

And despite my desperate, anxious grip
our time descends through fingertips
dissolving like embers, burning quick,
 flame to ash in mind-bending trick.

Though not all is lost within the torn
for in the chaos, a haven born
Where all my love for you, Adored
will keep you safe forevermore.

Because Moms Have Balls Too...(it's not what you think)

It's been a while.


Not for lack of want. More so, for lack of coherent thoughts with the capacity to be formed into sentences.

Also for lack of any sufficient amount of time to attempt said sentences (shocker). For instance, I think I've started this blog post about 15 times... just to get to this sentence.

I often wonder what's wrong with me when I can't seem to juggle life's obligations as well as the rest of responsible society. Everyone seems to have the perfect rhythm, a consistent and even flow of tasks interchanged through hands. Some even smile and wave at the same frickin time. Throw a baton in, why don't you? Meanwhile, there's me...the amateur entertainer who keeps dropping the ball in efforts to keep up, fumbling around like a bafoon. I'm like the drunk clown that you hope doesn't show up at the birthday party (minus the drunk part).


Is it too much distraction? Lack of sleep? Lack of means? 
Speaking as a mother that that works outside of the home, it's as if I have two very full-time jobs with minimal resources to be successful with them. It's two lives without doubling the # of hours in the day. How much can one woman do?

(fyi-all moms are working moms and I don't minimize that for a moment. I'm just speaking from my own position)

As moms, we're given many, many "balls" to juggle (ahh, there's that click bait explanation). I was thinking about this as I was waiting on hold with customer service at work, simultaneously calling my husband on my other phone with another school reminder and working on an email, all while secretly hoping a third arm would sprout from somewhere so I could sip my coffee. Because, you know, "mom multitasking" may allow your body to act in super-human ways...like carrying 50 bags of groceries with your toddler on your hip and still being able to unlock the front door. 

Maybe you're Mom of the Year and have no issue with this...the never-ending circus show. Or maybe you're like me, and have days when the balls seem to be thrown around haphazardly. Rhyme or reason have been kicked off the stage, along with the concept of clear thinking. I can appreciate the reality that parenthood is relentless refinement, and that progression in this area comes with time and experience. At the same time, my natural downfalls seem to smack the ball clear out of my hand even when I'm in the groove. ESPECIALLY  when I'm in the groove. It makes me want to throw my hands in the air and just chuck the metaphorical balls at the audience.

(...be ready to duck)

Does anyone else feel pushed to the very brink of their breaking point by society's chaotic demands? Does well-being have any place in the agenda? And where do we draw the line before we cross over into insanity? I know there are some answers to this, like declining the occasional invite, refraining from signing up for a million extra curriculars, or making yourself leave the office when it's after closing time. It's easy to write out an answer and say, "Problem solved. Just make time for yourself." Eh, false. Please tell me where I can pull this length of time out of thin air. It's not so simple with the myriad of tasks that cannot be delegated or neglected, especially when they needed completion yesterday. There's no way to avoid them, only to take them as they come and try not to panic.

So I guess I don't have the skill for my own perfect rhythm. It's making a choice, each day, to rest in the arms of a perfect Savior who promises to work it all out. One who honors humility, apologies, and authenticity when things don't go right.  One who helps picks up the balls up when the juggling fails and they fall into disarray.

He is my perfect rhythm.

Romans 8:26-28
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Matthew 6:26‭-‬27‭, ‬33 
Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 14:28‭-‬32
And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"  And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

Matthew 17:20
...For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

Because Sometimes, Inspiration Comes from Unlikely Places

When I'm reading my bible, I have the expectation that my socks will be rocked. Since those expectations are usually exceeded, I trust that God's word will always be a source of encouragement or instruction, or both...whatever it is I need to hear.

I did not expect this, though, from a children's Netflix series.

On a rainy day, my son and I came across Trollhunters. 

Average kid, Jim, is looking for a sense of adventure when he is chosen by a magical amulet as the next Trollhunter. Protecting two worlds, he's your typical underdog hero in a good guy vs bad guy story. Complete with some pretty sweet gear and engaging fight scenes. 

An overall fun kids' story (and let's face it...not too bad for the adults either).

I didn't expect to get much more from it than some laughs and snuggle-time with my little guy. I was also working on a paper, of which I was feeling a bit out of my league. Then, out of nowhere, comes a line that spoke volumes to me...

"Destiny is a gift. Some go their entire lives, living existence as a quiet desperation. Never learning the truth that what feels as though a burden pushing down upon our shoulders, is actually, a sense of purpose that lifts us to greater heights. Never forget that fear is but the precursor to valor, that to strive and triumph in the face of fear, is what is means to be a hero. Don't think. Become."

Ok, granted I'm not out fighting crime or sacrificing my safety in the sense that the character is. But the fact of the matter is that God's plan for us is our destiny, and until we are ready to seek and explore it, we are left under the rule of the mundane. We ebb and flow through monotony as if it's all that is meant for us. We're left longing for more because we're not looking for satisfaction in the right place. We need to navigate to the road that was hand-paved for us. 

I need to.

Now don't get me wrong. My God and my family make my world go 'round. They are not mundane...not in the slightest. They are my course for life. But does God ever tug on your heart, letting you know to steer your steps slightly in the other direction? Because even though you're familiar with the route you're already on, perhaps He wants to lead you to a destination greater than anything you could imagine or are capable of on your own? Do you trust him with the risk?

So...as I'm working on homework, wondering to myself will this be worth it...am I doing the right thing...
I don't know if it will lead me to valor or hero status, but let's just say I'm not giving up anytime soon.

Because Life Isn't a Solo Sport

"It's what we do." 

Our church has coined this slogan concerning our attitude of love and service towards the world around us. 

After all, God's word spills over with instruction regarding our conduct with others.

Romans 12:14‭-‬18
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.


Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

The examples go on and on.

Selfless love? Forgiveness? Patience? Compassion? Humility?

It's what we do.

So, I suppose it should be no surprise that this was exactly what was shared from our Harvest family upon finding ourselves in a conundrum.

                            

As most of my life events, this intros with me screwing up...

It's 8:45 on a Wednesday evening, and we're leaving our midweek children's ministry program  (Awana). Even though serving is one of my favorite parts of the week, it had already been a long day and I still had quite an evening ahead of me.  As Jamie and I sleepily dragged ourselves to the car, I realized...

I lost my car key.

Now, I realize this may not sound terribly earth-shattering.  However, if you've seen our church, you'll know that tracking down a missing single key is the equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack. It didn't help that I discovered a convenient hole in my bag, nor that any spot I had traveled through would have also housed a myriad of children throughout the course of the evening. It certainly made me wish I had held onto one of those darn whistle key chains all these years.  😠😠😠

Trying to not let panic take set in, Jamie and I carefully searched every spot we could think of. This led us to cross paths with a group of ministry leaders who were just winding down from the night's activities.  They could tell we were in need of some assistance, though I was so embarrassed to have to confess my blunder.  I searched for a nearby hole to crawl into, but no such luck. It really stings when our shortcomings are put on display, particularly to an audience that I hold in such high esteem. 

But I wasn't met with judgment or scoffing, like how so many folks envision Christians to respond.  Despite their own busyness-or sleepiness- they dropped what they were doing and joined our hunt.  A dear friend, who was still there with her own children, had come back into the church and refused to leave until she knew we could get home.  Even the gentleman who jumped our car last year after Awana joined in (I think he's our church-designated hero).

We must have looked in every possible place 10 million times.  
Not one complaint was expressed or a gesture of aggravation shown.

By God's grace, the key was found. It must have fallen through the perfectly timed hole.

I thanked our search party and apologized for being an idiot.
Though I was still mortified, I was met only with grace...
"Don't worry about it...it's what we do."
-Sarah, leader of our children's ministry and one of the kindest people on the planet


It's interesting, though, how God uses our faults.  I get SO FRUSTRATED with myself for the million things I seem to screw up time and time over... things I forget or misplace or am late for...the chaotic mess of my functionality. But our God knows our need and answers abundantly.  Even me...little ol' ridiculous me.  He showed up with His community when my weakness was shown and provided strength in numbers.  It was an opportunity to remember that, though we always strive for a better version of ourselves, it's ok to lean into those around us.  We were made to do so...collectively morph our weaknesses into strengths, letting the love that's shared outweigh our deficiencies. 

May I remember this in the moments when I drive right into the self-reliance pothole and lose traction.  May I also remember the destination of us as a whole, and not solely on my own agenda. That I may not only lean in for help, but give it freely.  We're not meant to take the journey alone.

Romans 12:3-5
For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

1 Thessalonians 5:14
And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.

 

Because A Lot of People Go to College for 7 Years

   How I think I sound when I say I'm in school

Last week was the big comeback.
My first time in years walking into a classroom involving my own education. 
Far past the expiration date of the typical college career, I was filled to the brim with excitement and apprehension. The butterflies sold tickets and ran a three-ring circus in my gut.  Each minute felt like a step closer to either an adventure of opportunity or a giant waste of resources. Potentially both.
Only time will tell with that, and what I make of it.

Luckily, the largest of my worries was eased upon arrival...
I wasn't late.

(Thank you, Jesus)

I was thankful to find the professor easy-going and understanding...something I won't take for granted but I'm sure I will be grateful for when the time comes.  Like moments when I realized that my class was two nights a week, not one, and that I didn't manage to attend until the second night of attendance.  Because how else could I approach something in true Jess fashion?

While the material was easy enough to comprehend, my already fatigued brain struggled to stay focused. Sentences crashed together into a sea of theory and vocab and Trump jokes.  I see this as a great challenge for growth in my distracted thinking.

Note to self: Inquire about a coffee pot at my desk. 

Source

By God's grace, I managed to make it back to the car at the end of the night in one piece.

I will say, though, that as I observed the other students, I couldn't help but feel a bit like this gal in comparison...

(No disrespect intended. This lady was phenomenal . Her name was Nola Ochs, and she was the oldest woman to graduate college.  What an inspiration in defying the odds and pursuing your dreams. 

 Read her story:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nola_Ochs )

 I know that might be a slight exaggeration, but I definitely tip the scale towards the older population of the group.  I had to remind myself to let it go.  In my heart of hearts, I know that the concept of the college experience has significantly morphed over time. Anyone can go back at any stage of life.  
Despite the "feeling old" commentary, I truly do believe that school is not only for those just starting out, but for a those looking for a fresh start.

That's what I'm hoping for.
Not only vocationally, but in my every-moment functionality.  
Out with the old and in with the new, as they say.

Luke 5:36-37
He also told them a parable: “No one tears a piece from a new garment and puts it on an old garment. If he does, he will tear the new, and the piece from the new will not match the old.  And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins and it will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed.

No more trying to patch what has already been shredded.

New direction.
New focus.
New habits.
New strength.
New fight.
New victories.
.

Because Even Moms Need Sick Days

My existence, summed up

in the words of Lorelai Gilmore

She is my spirit animal

Running from the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning, coffee is crucial to my survival.

We joke and hashtag it "momlife", but parental day-to-day life is nothing short of the pure exhaustion. Joyous and love-filled exhaustion. 

(FYI- I am not saying that those without children don't also lead exhausting lives. Please don't write hate mail.)

Of course, this wouldn't be complete without one of life's classic banana peels...

Getting sick.

Not the simple runny nose kind of sick. 

I mean the sick that makes that kind of sick look like a stroll in the park with sunshine and rainbows coming out of your nose.

I mean the "did you catch the license plate of the bus that ran me over three times" kind of sick. 

How inconsiderate...I mean, this ailment didn't bother to check my schedule or book a sitter or anything!  It did, however, remember to come right before laundry day and when food was dwindling in the fridge. And, of course, it didn't forget to gift this lovely present to my kids as well.  

It's kind of difficult to care for another human being when you can hardly move,  wouldn't you say?  But you do it, because you love your children and you do what you have to do.  You prioritize and keep their fevers at bay, their hydration levels high, and their favorite movies rolling. Not everything gets done, though, and it's hard to not feel the weight of the tasks that are piling up while out of commission. Even when trying to get some rest, the feeling of being crushed under the to-do's awaiting me kept me from getting some much-needed sleep. 

Fellow Moms: Is it just me, or do we sometimes feel like it's our job to get everything done under all circumstances? And when it doesn't, it means we failed or we're not enough? 

It's times like these when we need a firm reprimand from our more rational selves, because this is NOT accurate! It's this type of thinking (our own or that which is projected by others) that resulted in me having to FORCE myself into making goals of self-care instead of it being a natural occurrence. Sound odd? Or worse, sound familiar?

So I gave myself a good, stern talkin' too...

"Jess, get a grip. The extra laundry won't burst through the windows, and the dishes won't cause the house to explode. They will all be there once recovery kicks in (any day now would be great, Body).  I can divide and conquer at that point. But for now, instead of stressing yourself out, take care of your body so that you can go from sick exhaustion back to regular exhaustion."

I will allow myself to be sick, and to get better.

For relief,  I'll take snuggling with my sick little bug and endless amounts of Gilmore Girls for the zillionth time because there's no cure like their mind-bending repartee. Repeat until we can't find our way out of the blankets and I'm convinced that we actually live in Stars Hollow.

Because My Life Didn't Go As Planned...But That Doesn't Mean It's Over

As part of a homework assignment, my daughter asked me what I would consider my greatest accomplishment to be.  Being a mom who loves and adores my kids beyond measure, I quickly respond with, "You and Michael, of course!"

But to my dismay, she shut me down flat.
"Anything but that," she says.

This was me, immediately...

I had nothin'.
Nada.
Zero.
Zilch.

My life flashed before my eyes.  There were NSYNC posters and tie dyed scrunchies, crushes turned heartbreak, bad eye shadow paired with bad haircuts.  That awkward stage from birth to 28.  Aside from bringing my beautiful children into this world, though, not many "accomplishments" were coming to mind. I graduated high school, but so did Billy Madison...and he slayed an academic decathlon in the process.  I've been with my company for 9 years, but I attribute that more to a kind and gracious employer more than anything else.

I haven't earned a degree, I don't own our home...there are so many open-ended, unfinished goals that are still struggling to cross the finish line.  

What happened to me?  

Once upon a time, I was an ambitious chick with dreams to boot.  Now I'm clawing my way towards just mundane functioning.     

The disarray of my current condition felt like a slap in the face, and a disappointment to my daughter.  Though she didn't express it and seemed to appreciate her mention in my initial response, I felt ashamed that I couldn't give her a more profound answer.  She deserved more.

But then, a moment of clarity...

Source

Scripture that has been fastened to my heart 
since coming to faith.

A gentle nudge from the Lord...
"Do you not remember? Yours plans are not always 
my plans,  
but I'm promise they're for your good.  
Just stay with me here. " 

I know this to be true, as life has proved this time and time over.
And over. And over.

So I pulled myself off the pity pot, put away my tiny violin, and actually came up with a pretty kickass accomplishment (not to toot my own horn but TOOT TOOT):

It's been 8 years since I've stepped out of treatment for my eating disorders, self-injury, and major depression.  It hasn't been a perfect road, and I face temptations every day.  But considering that I spent 6 inpatient visits and countless hours of therapy pulling myself from its clutches, I'd say that standing free feels pretty darn good. 

These devils obliterated my youth.

Stole memories, moments, and relationships that I'll never gain back.

Threatened my life.

But, by God's grace, it wasn't in vain.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

I may not be in my dream career yet, 

have a Pinterest-worthy home,

or see the most amount of dollar signs on my bank statement.

Heck, I may just be lucky

that I make it out the door in the morning

with matching shoes on. 

But I have earned a gift of grace, wisdom, empathy 

 from God that I would never trade.

And luckily, the ability to dream never really dies.

This life isn't over yet!

Goal # 5 for 2017:

Acknowledge the little accomplishments every day that lead to the big dreams