Because A Lot of People Go to College for 7 Years

   How I think I sound when I say I'm in school

Last week was the big comeback.
My first time in years walking into a classroom involving my own education. 
Far past the expiration date of the typical college career, I was filled to the brim with excitement and apprehension. The butterflies sold tickets and ran a three-ring circus in my gut.  Each minute felt like a step closer to either an adventure of opportunity or a giant waste of resources. Potentially both.
Only time will tell with that, and what I make of it.

Luckily, the largest of my worries was eased upon arrival...
I wasn't late.

(Thank you, Jesus)

I was thankful to find the professor easy-going and understanding...something I won't take for granted but I'm sure I will be grateful for when the time comes.  Like moments when I realized that my class was two nights a week, not one, and that I didn't manage to attend until the second night of attendance.  Because how else could I approach something in true Jess fashion?

While the material was easy enough to comprehend, my already fatigued brain struggled to stay focused. Sentences crashed together into a sea of theory and vocab and Trump jokes.  I see this as a great challenge for growth in my distracted thinking.

Note to self: Inquire about a coffee pot at my desk. 

Source

By God's grace, I managed to make it back to the car at the end of the night in one piece.

I will say, though, that as I observed the other students, I couldn't help but feel a bit like this gal in comparison...

(No disrespect intended. This lady was phenomenal . Her name was Nola Ochs, and she was the oldest woman to graduate college.  What an inspiration in defying the odds and pursuing your dreams. 

 Read her story:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nola_Ochs )

 I know that might be a slight exaggeration, but I definitely tip the scale towards the older population of the group.  I had to remind myself to let it go.  In my heart of hearts, I know that the concept of the college experience has significantly morphed over time. Anyone can go back at any stage of life.  
Despite the "feeling old" commentary, I truly do believe that school is not only for those just starting out, but for a those looking for a fresh start.

That's what I'm hoping for.
Not only vocationally, but in my every-moment functionality.  
Out with the old and in with the new, as they say.

Luke 5:36-37
He also told them a parable: “No one tears a piece from a new garment and puts it on an old garment. If he does, he will tear the new, and the piece from the new will not match the old.  And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins and it will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed.

No more trying to patch what has already been shredded.

New direction.
New focus.
New habits.
New strength.
New fight.
New victories.
.

Because Even Moms Need Sick Days

My existence, summed up

in the words of Lorelai Gilmore

She is my spirit animal

Running from the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning, coffee is crucial to my survival.

We joke and hashtag it "momlife", but parental day-to-day life is nothing short of the pure exhaustion. Joyous and love-filled exhaustion. 

(FYI- I am not saying that those without children don't also lead exhausting lives. Please don't write hate mail.)

Of course, this wouldn't be complete without one of life's classic banana peels...

Getting sick.

Not the simple runny nose kind of sick. 

I mean the sick that makes that kind of sick look like a stroll in the park with sunshine and rainbows coming out of your nose.

I mean the "did you catch the license plate of the bus that ran me over three times" kind of sick. 

How inconsiderate...I mean, this ailment didn't bother to check my schedule or book a sitter or anything!  It did, however, remember to come right before laundry day and when food was dwindling in the fridge. And, of course, it didn't forget to gift this lovely present to my kids as well.  

It's kind of difficult to care for another human being when you can hardly move,  wouldn't you say?  But you do it, because you love your children and you do what you have to do.  You prioritize and keep their fevers at bay, their hydration levels high, and their favorite movies rolling. Not everything gets done, though, and it's hard to not feel the weight of the tasks that are piling up while out of commission. Even when trying to get some rest, the feeling of being crushed under the to-do's awaiting me kept me from getting some much-needed sleep. 

Fellow Moms: Is it just me, or do we sometimes feel like it's our job to get everything done under all circumstances? And when it doesn't, it means we failed or we're not enough? 

It's times like these when we need a firm reprimand from our more rational selves, because this is NOT accurate! It's this type of thinking (our own or that which is projected by others) that resulted in me having to FORCE myself into making goals of self-care instead of it being a natural occurrence. Sound odd? Or worse, sound familiar?

So I gave myself a good, stern talkin' too...

"Jess, get a grip. The extra laundry won't burst through the windows, and the dishes won't cause the house to explode. They will all be there once recovery kicks in (any day now would be great, Body).  I can divide and conquer at that point. But for now, instead of stressing yourself out, take care of your body so that you can go from sick exhaustion back to regular exhaustion."

I will allow myself to be sick, and to get better.

For relief,  I'll take snuggling with my sick little bug and endless amounts of Gilmore Girls for the zillionth time because there's no cure like their mind-bending repartee. Repeat until we can't find our way out of the blankets and I'm convinced that we actually live in Stars Hollow.

Because My Life Didn't Go As Planned...But That Doesn't Mean It's Over

As part of a homework assignment, my daughter asked me what I would consider my greatest accomplishment to be.  Being a mom who loves and adores my kids beyond measure, I quickly respond with, "You and Michael, of course!"

But to my dismay, she shut me down flat.
"Anything but that," she says.

This was me, immediately...

I had nothin'.
Nada.
Zero.
Zilch.

My life flashed before my eyes.  There were NSYNC posters and tie dyed scrunchies, crushes turned heartbreak, bad eye shadow paired with bad haircuts.  That awkward stage from birth to 28.  Aside from bringing my beautiful children into this world, though, not many "accomplishments" were coming to mind. I graduated high school, but so did Billy Madison...and he slayed an academic decathlon in the process.  I've been with my company for 9 years, but I attribute that more to a kind and gracious employer more than anything else.

I haven't earned a degree, I don't own our home...there are so many open-ended, unfinished goals that are still struggling to cross the finish line.  

What happened to me?  

Once upon a time, I was an ambitious chick with dreams to boot.  Now I'm clawing my way towards just mundane functioning.     

The disarray of my current condition felt like a slap in the face, and a disappointment to my daughter.  Though she didn't express it and seemed to appreciate her mention in my initial response, I felt ashamed that I couldn't give her a more profound answer.  She deserved more.

But then, a moment of clarity...

Source

Scripture that has been fastened to my heart 
since coming to faith.

A gentle nudge from the Lord...
"Do you not remember? Yours plans are not always 
my plans,  
but I'm promise they're for your good.  
Just stay with me here. " 

I know this to be true, as life has proved this time and time over.
And over. And over.

So I pulled myself off the pity pot, put away my tiny violin, and actually came up with a pretty kickass accomplishment (not to toot my own horn but TOOT TOOT):

It's been 8 years since I've stepped out of treatment for my eating disorders, self-injury, and major depression.  It hasn't been a perfect road, and I face temptations every day.  But considering that I spent 6 inpatient visits and countless hours of therapy pulling myself from its clutches, I'd say that standing free feels pretty darn good. 

These devils obliterated my youth.

Stole memories, moments, and relationships that I'll never gain back.

Threatened my life.

But, by God's grace, it wasn't in vain.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

I may not be in my dream career yet, 

have a Pinterest-worthy home,

or see the most amount of dollar signs on my bank statement.

Heck, I may just be lucky

that I make it out the door in the morning

with matching shoes on. 

But I have earned a gift of grace, wisdom, empathy 

 from God that I would never trade.

And luckily, the ability to dream never really dies.

This life isn't over yet!

Goal # 5 for 2017:

Acknowledge the little accomplishments every day that lead to the big dreams

Because Love is a Battlefield

There she is again.

That woman on the commercial for Lord knows what, and she just has to be in her underwear.

Her body gives the impression that she has never even LOOKED at a cheeseburger, or missed a day of the 16-hour workout regimen that began right out of the womb.

Not one stretch mark.
No an ounce of cellulite.
Not a hair out of place.

She's "perfect".

Now I look at myself and notice that, between pregnancies, nursing, and too many years of tumultuous eating habits, this old gray mare ain't what she used to be.

Source

My mind is immediately bombarded by thoughts of how I'll never look like that "perfect" woman on t.v.
Just like the "flawless" chick at the gym or in the grocery store line.
I might as well invest in a new wardrobe of muumuus and become best friends with my couch.

...

Whoa, hold the phone
Your brain called...it wants its rational thinking back

Our negative thoughts seem to come charging at us so much quicker than the positive ones, don't they?  It's almost as if they're just sitting in wait, ready to ambush at any given moment.  

The mind can be a war zone...a ferocious battle of The Fruitful taking back what is theirs from The Toxic. While The Fruitful are valiant, The Toxic are often victorious with their aggressive strategy.

Our consciousness is constantly under attack, whether we notice it or not. I suppose this is why God has provided us with His word as sword and shield.

Ephesians 6:14-18

Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.  To that end, keep alert with all perseverance....

God loves us beyond the realms of our understanding or merit. As Father to His beloved, He knows every part of our perfect design and satisfies our every condition.  He is no stranger to our plight here, nor does He overlook the weight that this warfare has on us.  Instead, He was diligent to equip us accordingly, so that we may stand a chance against the one who is relentlessly out for the kill. It's up to us to armor up.

Ephesians 6:11-13

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  
Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

The more time I invest into God's word, the deeper it becomes embedded.  He continues to show me intimate truths that provide as both healing and ammunition.  It is growing me in preparation and power to disarm my negative thinking.

Some days, the battle might be small...like not appreciating my "mom bod" (which- by the way- created, grew, birthed, and sustained life...just so you know).  Other days, it can threaten you to the point of death (spiritual or physical).  Either way, the enemy isn't going to surrender any time soon.

Be prepared for war.

Because Our Demons Fight to Keep Us In the Valley

Valleys aren't formed overnight.  They're worn down over time by abrasion and circumstance, outside factors ripping away at the land's internal makeup. 

Much like our own valleys, wouldn't you say?  We're broken down by various elements over the course of our lives, eventually finding ourselves at the bottom of the pit carved out of our stability. It bows below where we are meant to be leveled.

 ^^My current location^^

That just about sums it up currently...
bowed below where I'm meant to be leveled.
Familiar peril showering down on me as I attempt to leverage my way back up,
past demons aiming to grab hold and pull me back down as they usually do.

   *Insert 1 step forward, 2 steps back here?*

"Stop living as a poster child for insanity, you idiot."
-Grumpy Cat

....

Good call, Grumpy Cat.

Now see, this would be the perfect time to include a list of positive things that I'm going to do and how great it will be and blah blah blah.

But because I said this blogging endeavor would be an honest one, I'm not about to throw something in simply for feel-good sake. 

It's been a few crappy days.
Really.Crappy.Days.
I'm finding Grumpy Cat to be more relatable by the minute.
And envying him, because he gets to be praised for his resting bitch face.
(Seriously, how unfair is that?!)

I'm exhausted by the perpetual assault of emotional and circumstantial debris,
on top of being in this position in the first place. 

So it's days like these when I'm most thankful for not having to go through this thing called "life" alone...
even in the valley, when it feels more like death.
God is here, even when it feels desolate.
A truth that's not only a comfort, but a driving force...a purpose to keep working towards His purposes for me and for His kingdom.
So I may not be feelin' it today, but press on we shall.

It reminds me of a song I know, "Bury the Workmen." 
The burdens, the stressors...they may bury me in the valley sometimes. But, as He has already proven, you can't bury God.

"You can bury the workmen but the work will go on

And you can silence the voices but you can't stop the song

When the Spirit's moving, His will will be done

You can bury the workmen but the work will go on.

.  

Psalm 40:1-2

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

And set my feet upon a rock,

Making my steps secure.

Because It's Never Too Late

There are goals in which I am like the snail above in my pursuit.  The second one lagging behind, mind you.  It's not for lack of desire for the end result, but usually for lack of means in getting there (time, money, energy, etc).  I've let the weight of the "not now's" hold me farther and farther back from the finish line.  I tripped on my metaphorical shoelace and stayed down for longer than planned, having convinced myself that the ground is quite comfortable...a "good enough" place for the time being.

Luckily, it's not too late to peel myself off the concrete, brush myself off, and rejoin the race.

With that, I'm pleased to announce...

Goal#4 for 2017:

Get my butt back to school

Just one class for now; a slow but steady start to prevent going offtrack again. 

But, it's something.

Am I afraid?

Hell yes.

But God is there, and doesn't stray even when I fall. 

Or doubt.

Or freak the **** out.

Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."

(I do realize that this verse is a bit different in context than my current situation.  While going back to school is a little less intimidating than trying to battle armies to obtain a nation, I still find assurance in His love 💜).

I will remind myself of my motivators, one of which is what I want to demonstrate to my children...that life may not go exactly as planned, but you can't give up...that fear of failure should never rob you of the joy and opportunities that life can have in store for you.  How can I encourage them to follow their dreams if they don't see me chase my own?  They need to see where hard work, ambition, and drive can take you; I need to be the one to show them.

Despite my insecurities of how this may go, from time constraints to lack in my own abilities, I look forward to jumping back in.  More to come as I approach the big day.

I hope this encourages someone to reopen the door to a dream that has long been closed, or has seemed too far out of reach.

Your time is precious, and you deserve to fill it with what you love.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."

-Ambrose Redmoon

Because There's No Sense in Holding Onto Something Broken

_

"Are you half empty?
Why don't you fill up?
There's no sense in holding onto something broken"

Silhouettes by Colony House

 There are many things that have taken up residency in my heart over the last few years.  Memories, doubts, hopes, disappointments, etc. 

Most have overstayed their welcome. Some, like an infestation, have crept into the unknown corners of my psyche to secretly breed havoc. Despite my best efforts, they can't seem to be fully exterminated.  They sneak back into my awareness just when I think I am finally rid of their burden.  Other things are on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm not ready to let go and have held on with a white-knuckled kung fu grip. I bury myself in their comforts, caught up in longing for their goodness.  

All of these things, though, have a common denominator...

Brokenness. 

Maybe not in their original form per se, as everything has its place.  Challenges arise that grow us,  and people and opportunities come our way that we're grateful for.   

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, 6
For everything there is a season, a time for every matter under heaven...

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away

James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Over time, though, they can become fractured pieces that no longer fit.  The "bad" ones weigh me down in a past that I can't change; the "good" ones reach dangerous levels of idolatry.  Maybe you have some things like this in your life...an argument that you can't let go of breaking down a relationship, the loss of someone near and dear, or a temptation that is redirecting your moral compass and prioritizing your own desires over God's.

So what do I do? How do I let go of things that don't have closure? Which battles do I pick? And how do I wait patiently for the dreams of my life in which the final outcome can't occur overnight? Or worse... How do I release the grip on something I want so desperately, though it may not be in the cards for me?

This leads us to...

Goal for 2017 # 3 

Let go of what I can't change
and keep God at the center of what I can

I can't be the only one here. 
So let me ask you...
Are you in?

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.