Less than 24 hours after my last post, I found myself in a heated situation. Argument...discussion...these words don't seem to fit the storm that ensued. Perhaps emotion warfare? Desperation negotiation? Whatever the definition, it made me look back on my own words and assess how well I actually stood by my "wisdom". The answer...not great. Not to say that I was a flat out hypocrite. I did give it my best effort, attempting to be patient, empathetic, acknowledge positives, words of encouragement, etc. My error took place, though, when a reaction I had was misinterpreted by the other person. In fact, it was read as being the complete opposite of my intention. The other party took great offense to this, which I could understand. But no matter what I said, my point was refused to be seen. In my mind, there was a deep need to correct this. Largely because of the subject matter. Largely because what was interpreted was against everything that was on my heart.I was being accused of something that wasn't true. Something that stood against all of my words and actions leading up to that point. The dagger, if you will, to an already distressed spirit. My arms flailed as I passionately pleaded my message, that it was authentic through every nerve ending and every ounce of my being. Nothing could change their stance, and I should have walked away. What I did wrong, #1) Sometimes I need to know when to quit...or at least, give it a breather. I should have walked away, but I didn't. To me, I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt the person in having them think I didn't support them. But in fact, I was hurting the situation by not letting it sit. Accepting what I knew to be true, even if the other person couldn't see it yet. If I had exited the conversation, I could have a)taken it immediately to prayer and b)continued to show this support through my actions instead of force feeding it. Sometimes we don't truly see what we're doing until our view is outside of the emotional lens. I should have walked away...not in frustration, but despite of it. What I did wrong, #2) Though I didn't need to be right, but I needed to be heard...no matter what I think we all have a need to be heard in some capacity. It's part of our relationships, to respect the opinion of others and feel as such in return. Here, I let it escalate past the threshold to a desperate attempt. I felt like I was going crazy and it made me all the more motivated to have this person truly understand where I was coming from. Motivated right over the top of the priority line. The need to have this person understand became more important that salvaging the situation. Who does that put first; me or the other person? That's a big, fat "ME", no matter what my other intentions were. Perhaps I should have been listened better, to "hear" that this wasn't the way to fix this. I needed to remember...no matter what this person thought, by God, I'm always heard. What I did wrong, #3) WWJD did not compute
The best answer to any issue...good ol' WWJD. For those of you who did have this on a wristband or a t-shirt growing up, it stands for, "What Would Jesus Do." And though I was trying to convey a message of love, I didn't stop to clearly think, "How would Jesus being trying to say this if he were standing in my shoes right now?" If I had taken a minute to pause and meditate on this, the situation may have taken a better turn. Maybe not. But it wouldn't have been any worse than how it steered.
Why am I sharing this? Because if I'm so bold as to share wisdom on a topic, I should be bold enough to speak on my own failure with it. And I need to learn from my mistakes. Which I did... because the next day was round 2. A calm road until it reached Mount Kilimanjaro. This time, I let it end before we reached full blown killer eruption. It didn't feel good, on either end. But it also didn't destroy the village. Soon after, a situation came about where I needed to decide if I was going to react with them "because of what happened", or "despite of what had happened." I chose the latter, because to me, that showed the love I was trying to convey all along. I don't approach the "publish" button with great eagerness on this one, as this wasn't my finest hour. But none of us our perfect. Maybe you can relate to this, whether the giver or the receiver. I hope this makes someone feel heard or understood, or at least not alone. Because you're not...you're always heard.
I like to think that, "Treat others as you want to be treated" is a fairly universal and well-respected concept. If you grew up in church, you would have heard it as, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Despite all of the terrible things bombarding the newsrooms on a daily basis, I still hold out hope for some of humanity to follow this code. Some do. Others show that to know is not the same as to practice. Sometimes, we decide to pick and choose who deserves this honor from us. A common example... The social media account of a well-known Christian radio station was recently hacked with numerous political and inappropriate links. If you have ever listened to this station or followed their accounts, you would know pretty quickly that there's no way this junk would have truly been posted at their hand. Think of it this way...if your mother had a Facebook page and only posted about Jesus and grandkids but then suddenly shared The Thong Song music video (I know, I'm dating myself here), you'd likely assume that she was hacked. You'd have the courtesy to say, "Hey Mom, you might want to reset your password because you've been compromised," or ask a question of the sort before making some type of grandios assumption. However, that was not the case for many with this mishap. Followers immediately began to lash back at the station...vowing to boycott, pulling their donations, casting the all too familiar "holier than thou" card before really knowing the details. Those who knew it was fake called them, "Idiots," among other insults. All from a group of Christians.
We see it all the time in our world now. It quickly escalates from "I can help them to understand" to "I will force them to see my side" to "I'll have to berate them, for they are obviously too stupid/stubborn/ignorant/crazy/racist/misogynist/intolerant to conform to my line of thinking". All of which is apparently acceptable? Why? Because we're looking at a screen instead of someone's expression? Because we have the "right" to say whatever we want? Our right to free speech should never dominate our responsibility to treat others as Christ would. We will never earn the right for cruelty. No level of righteousness permits belittlement.
It's not just in our social media interactions, either.
Sometimes we're so hellbent on being right or heard that we make every wrong choice to validate it. How about in our homes? With the people we love? Is our right to say as we choose- our "right to be right"- important enough to destroy relationships and minimize the people we promised to lift up?
This has been on my heart a lot lately. I'm no perfect person. Far, far, FAR from it. I can be stubborn and hardheaded, and God-by his grace- is working on me (Phillipians 1:6, look it up). But I'm learning much by having been on both sides of this coin. I know that if we are more determined to be right than to be loving, to have the upper hand than be fair, to make our point than to listen, there will be no "right". The communication self-destruct button.
I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with this kind of combat without total shutdown (call it self-preservation). Despite what our emotions dictate us towards, there's a way to say everything even when you have everything to say. That goes for both the giver and the receiver. As I navigate these muddy waters, I have found much that God has much to say about our heart in our interactions:
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20
"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. "If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. Luke 6:27-32
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 1 Corinthians 13:4-6
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
Surely oppression drives the wise into madness, and a bribe corrupts the heart. Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:7-9
Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. Leviticus 19:18
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1
And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. 1 Thessalonians 5:14
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness... Galatians 5:22
His truths are endless on the matter. My words on this are fleeting, merely the flame of inspiration that will become the vague embers of something you once read. But the Word of God stands forever. It cuts through "joint and marrow, discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart" ( Hebrews 4:12), a refuge for those who need it (Psalm 18:30). If anything, may it be what echos in your mind the next time you need to speak. HIS words, not mine.
