Because Love is a Battlefield

There she is again.

That woman on the commercial for Lord knows what, and she just has to be in her underwear.

Her body gives the impression that she has never even LOOKED at a cheeseburger, or missed a day of the 16-hour workout regimen that began right out of the womb.

Not one stretch mark.
No an ounce of cellulite.
Not a hair out of place.

She's "perfect".

Now I look at myself and notice that, between pregnancies, nursing, and too many years of tumultuous eating habits, this old gray mare ain't what she used to be.

Source

My mind is immediately bombarded by thoughts of how I'll never look like that "perfect" woman on t.v.
Just like the "flawless" chick at the gym or in the grocery store line.
I might as well invest in a new wardrobe of muumuus and become best friends with my couch.

...

Whoa, hold the phone
Your brain called...it wants its rational thinking back

Our negative thoughts seem to come charging at us so much quicker than the positive ones, don't they?  It's almost as if they're just sitting in wait, ready to ambush at any given moment.  

The mind can be a war zone...a ferocious battle of The Fruitful taking back what is theirs from The Toxic. While The Fruitful are valiant, The Toxic are often victorious with their aggressive strategy.

Our consciousness is constantly under attack, whether we notice it or not. I suppose this is why God has provided us with His word as sword and shield.

Ephesians 6:14-18

Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.  To that end, keep alert with all perseverance....

God loves us beyond the realms of our understanding or merit. As Father to His beloved, He knows every part of our perfect design and satisfies our every condition.  He is no stranger to our plight here, nor does He overlook the weight that this warfare has on us.  Instead, He was diligent to equip us accordingly, so that we may stand a chance against the one who is relentlessly out for the kill. It's up to us to armor up.

Ephesians 6:11-13

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  
Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

The more time I invest into God's word, the deeper it becomes embedded.  He continues to show me intimate truths that provide as both healing and ammunition.  It is growing me in preparation and power to disarm my negative thinking.

Some days, the battle might be small...like not appreciating my "mom bod" (which- by the way- created, grew, birthed, and sustained life...just so you know).  Other days, it can threaten you to the point of death (spiritual or physical).  Either way, the enemy isn't going to surrender any time soon.

Be prepared for war.

Because Our Demons Fight to Keep Us In the Valley

Valleys aren't formed overnight.  They're worn down over time by abrasion and circumstance, outside factors ripping away at the land's internal makeup. 

Much like our own valleys, wouldn't you say?  We're broken down by various elements over the course of our lives, eventually finding ourselves at the bottom of the pit carved out of our stability. It bows below where we are meant to be leveled.

 ^^My current location^^

That just about sums it up currently...
bowed below where I'm meant to be leveled.
Familiar peril showering down on me as I attempt to leverage my way back up,
past demons aiming to grab hold and pull me back down as they usually do.

   *Insert 1 step forward, 2 steps back here?*

"Stop living as a poster child for insanity, you idiot."
-Grumpy Cat

....

Good call, Grumpy Cat.

Now see, this would be the perfect time to include a list of positive things that I'm going to do and how great it will be and blah blah blah.

But because I said this blogging endeavor would be an honest one, I'm not about to throw something in simply for feel-good sake. 

It's been a few crappy days.
Really.Crappy.Days.
I'm finding Grumpy Cat to be more relatable by the minute.
And envying him, because he gets to be praised for his resting bitch face.
(Seriously, how unfair is that?!)

I'm exhausted by the perpetual assault of emotional and circumstantial debris,
on top of being in this position in the first place. 

So it's days like these when I'm most thankful for not having to go through this thing called "life" alone...
even in the valley, when it feels more like death.
God is here, even when it feels desolate.
A truth that's not only a comfort, but a driving force...a purpose to keep working towards His purposes for me and for His kingdom.
So I may not be feelin' it today, but press on we shall.

It reminds me of a song I know, "Bury the Workmen." 
The burdens, the stressors...they may bury me in the valley sometimes. But, as He has already proven, you can't bury God.

"You can bury the workmen but the work will go on

And you can silence the voices but you can't stop the song

When the Spirit's moving, His will will be done

You can bury the workmen but the work will go on.

.  

Psalm 40:1-2

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

And set my feet upon a rock,

Making my steps secure.

Because It's Never Too Late

There are goals in which I am like the snail above in my pursuit.  The second one lagging behind, mind you.  It's not for lack of desire for the end result, but usually for lack of means in getting there (time, money, energy, etc).  I've let the weight of the "not now's" hold me farther and farther back from the finish line.  I tripped on my metaphorical shoelace and stayed down for longer than planned, having convinced myself that the ground is quite comfortable...a "good enough" place for the time being.

Luckily, it's not too late to peel myself off the concrete, brush myself off, and rejoin the race.

With that, I'm pleased to announce...

Goal#4 for 2017:

Get my butt back to school

Just one class for now; a slow but steady start to prevent going offtrack again. 

But, it's something.

Am I afraid?

Hell yes.

But God is there, and doesn't stray even when I fall. 

Or doubt.

Or freak the **** out.

Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."

(I do realize that this verse is a bit different in context than my current situation.  While going back to school is a little less intimidating than trying to battle armies to obtain a nation, I still find assurance in His love 💜).

I will remind myself of my motivators, one of which is what I want to demonstrate to my children...that life may not go exactly as planned, but you can't give up...that fear of failure should never rob you of the joy and opportunities that life can have in store for you.  How can I encourage them to follow their dreams if they don't see me chase my own?  They need to see where hard work, ambition, and drive can take you; I need to be the one to show them.

Despite my insecurities of how this may go, from time constraints to lack in my own abilities, I look forward to jumping back in.  More to come as I approach the big day.

I hope this encourages someone to reopen the door to a dream that has long been closed, or has seemed too far out of reach.

Your time is precious, and you deserve to fill it with what you love.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."

-Ambrose Redmoon

Because There's No Sense in Holding Onto Something Broken

_

"Are you half empty?
Why don't you fill up?
There's no sense in holding onto something broken"

Silhouettes by Colony House

 There are many things that have taken up residency in my heart over the last few years.  Memories, doubts, hopes, disappointments, etc. 

Most have overstayed their welcome. Some, like an infestation, have crept into the unknown corners of my psyche to secretly breed havoc. Despite my best efforts, they can't seem to be fully exterminated.  They sneak back into my awareness just when I think I am finally rid of their burden.  Other things are on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm not ready to let go and have held on with a white-knuckled kung fu grip. I bury myself in their comforts, caught up in longing for their goodness.  

All of these things, though, have a common denominator...

Brokenness. 

Maybe not in their original form per se, as everything has its place.  Challenges arise that grow us,  and people and opportunities come our way that we're grateful for.   

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, 6
For everything there is a season, a time for every matter under heaven...

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away

James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Over time, though, they can become fractured pieces that no longer fit.  The "bad" ones weigh me down in a past that I can't change; the "good" ones reach dangerous levels of idolatry.  Maybe you have some things like this in your life...an argument that you can't let go of breaking down a relationship, the loss of someone near and dear, or a temptation that is redirecting your moral compass and prioritizing your own desires over God's.

So what do I do? How do I let go of things that don't have closure? Which battles do I pick? And how do I wait patiently for the dreams of my life in which the final outcome can't occur overnight? Or worse... How do I release the grip on something I want so desperately, though it may not be in the cards for me?

This leads us to...

Goal for 2017 # 3 

Let go of what I can't change
and keep God at the center of what I can

I can't be the only one here. 
So let me ask you...
Are you in?

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Because Everyone Must Have A New Years Resolution With An Elliptical...(or so says the universe)

To keep with the spirit of true individuality, I decided that goal#2 would involve joining a gym.

Now I know what you're thinking...you wish you thought had of it first.  Or, that I won't make it past January.  

Let me clarify, though, that my goal isn't to just lose weight. Sure, all those "ice cream and pizza while crying" moments have taken their toll on my waistline, along with those extra beers during Cubs season, takeout dinners, and holiday desserts. However, those who know me best know that I've spent too much time living by sizes and pounds. Some of the darkest moments of my life were lived under the tyranny of my eating disorders and I don't intend to return there.  I can't honestly say that I haven't been tempted,particularly over the treacherous last year or two. But God rescued me out of my self-destruction with purpose. Who am I to throw that aside?

Psalm 103:1-2

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
    for his steadfast love endures forever!
2 Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
    whom he has redeemed from trouble

2 Samuel 22:2-3
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
3     my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation,
    my stronghold and my refuge,
    my savior; you save me from violence.



With that...
Goal#2 for 2017 is to treat my body well 

That means being mindful of what I put into it and how I use it.  It means making sure I don't regularly collapse into bed at the end of the day with my contacts in and teeth unbrushed (sorry, TMI). It means not putting up my well-being as collateral to our busy life. It's the whole "gotta put your own oxygen mask on first" analogy; because, Lord knows, I've been trying to put everyone else's masks on while unconscious on the floor as the flight attendant runs me over with their beverage cart.  This, I've come to find, is quite counterproductive.  

I'm sure someone out there can relate, whether you're a fellow parent, working while going to school,  or caught up in whatever it is that's keeping you busy.  

Goal Basics:

• More sleep
• Get active
• Eat well and nix the garbage
• Get back to better bedtime and morning routines that enable actual self-care

These things don't seem so challenging, but that's what happens when your life train completely derails.

And to prove that I mean business, this was at 2 a.m. Sunday morning, after a stretch on the elliptical and ready to do arms ...

                                                                         😑                                              

                                             Not one of my loveliest moment's

                                  (I also see the conflict between getting more.                                                                                      sleep and late night gym trips.                            

                                               But come on...baby steps, Dude)

My first trip back to a gym in over three years.  Nerve racking and exciting.  I mean, what if I end up on a viral Youtube video because I fall on a treadmill and can't get up?  Or become 2017's newest meme when I decide to be brave and try a new machine (note to self-consider "making myself a meme" as a resolution)?  Luckily, back in reality, no one worth my time would turn me into an internet freakshow. I suppose, though, that the benefit of last night stints at the gym is a smaller audience for my awkwardness.  

Self-conscious thoughts aside, it felt great to be active again. Looking forward to future torture...I mean fun 😉

I actually enjoyed myself...whodathunk? 

1 Corinthians 10:31

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Because Every Journey Needs a Soundtrack

Because you can't have an adventure without a good soundtrack, I'm creating a Youtube playlist for my journey.  Any songs I include in posts will be added, along with various tunes that I encounter throughout the year.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCqd4tMs9oGI1cyHFSq_3BlCIO2-9iYjZ

To start us off will be Grace Abounding's anthem...

https://youtu.be/xPpEOUVpxrM?list=RDxPpEOUVpxrM

Enough

I'm a blogging virgin.  

Until now, my contributions to the World Wide Web have been kept within the realms of amateur social media...the bombardment of kid photos, scripture verses set in inspirational backgrounds, the occasional tweet, etc. Because let's face it...does anyone REALLY care about what I have to say?   What value could you find in my 2 cents?

...(insert awkward silence here)

I suppose if you're here reading my rambling thoughts, though, some small fraction of you has decided this might be worth your while.  I hope it is.  If not, you have my sincerest apologies. But don't worry; I won't be heartbroken.  Truly, this isn't meant for you.  At least, not only you.  It's meant for me.  A source of accountability and outlet for venting as I pursue my goals in the coming year.  It's for the me looking for a different way to stay on track and keep my eyes on the prize. The me that has had enough.  

Enough of not having it together, no matter how much I try.

Enough paralyzing fear.

Enough anxiety.

Enough of my newly introduced short temper.

Enough of feeling stuck, going through the motions merely to get to the next day.

Enough of the deafening screams in my head....along with the deafening silence.

Enough moments sitting in my car, or on my kitchen floor, or hiding in my closet, tears streaming down my face  (FYI-Usually there's pizza or ice cream involved in these moments).

Enough absolute desperation, with seemingly no hope of change to follow.

Enough exhaustion (despite many caffeinated efforts).

Enough loneliness.

Enough doubt.

Enough drowning.

Enough chaos. 

Enough 
Enough
Enough.

I know, I know...so melodramatic. 

But this has been reality...and I've had enough.  2017 is where I reach the fork in my road.  I have two options with my life...fight to stay afloat, or fight to blow it out of the water.  It took some time of me banging my head against the wall, but now I have the courage to choose the latter.   

And so I embark on a journey of transformation (so original, of course).  You're welcome to tag along for the ups, downs, and all-arounds that I will surely encounter.  Posts won't always be dramatic, or incredibly detailed about certain matters, but they will be honest. 

There is one more "enough"...although different from the ones on the oh-so optimistic list above.  This one is hopeful...the one I will be clinging to.

Christ is enough.

In all things.
At all times.
No matter what I'm feeling in a given moment.

He is faithful when I am not, gracious when I don't deserve it.  Over the course of the last year, I fell short in relying on those truths...massively.  #epicfail tenfold.  

Goal #1 for 2017- DAILY time in the word, no matter the duration

Scripture memes do not qualify.


To start off strong, I will be meditating on these over the next week as well.

Romans 5:20
Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more...

Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Romans 8:35----39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written,“For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  

I hope these speak into your heart too, as a little reminder of God's unbroken and unfailing for you.